It's freezing on the other side

I had a dream. I saw her smile. It was like it never left, but then she was gone. She was replaced by the bizarre and unfamiliar. I still miss her and her silly ways. And I often wonder if I'll ever stop comparing. A couple of times I haven't, but they've never known that they were special enough to not have to walk the coals.

what's the real reason?

maybe i sent the text just wanting you to know how much i appreciate you, though it's no longer my place to appreciate you. maybe i sent it to remind me. you called and wanted to know these things. why why why? in the end, i'm glad that you're happy and healthy. it is crazy living life and having to accept that everything is just as it should be, when the way it is sucks. every time i open that door, it is slammed in my face. every time it is slammed, I am reminded of how you let me open it and not have to bother to lock it. I am reminded of everything you chose to not make an issue, because that was all stuff that was just me, and it was ok to be just me.

now i meet others. they are much like you, circumstantially. but that is all. guarded, quick to judgement, eager to flee, so scared to take a step, so unable to let my past be my past. i'm still me. i'm too honest, so impulsive, so obsessive...but without anger. without the need to destroy a castle with my bare hands. and perhaps it's not a castle, but more a straw hut, as it would seem a castle would be so much more difficult to demolish.

i've intended to write more

it just never happens. i want something different to write about, but i just can't find it. i've disconnected my blog from facebook. i feel so deflated.

I wonder...

I wonder what it is? So sweet yet fiery. It radiates.

And Verizon, you still actually need to send a guy out to connect some wires. He'll have to actually get in or on a vehicle and drive and use some tools.

Love. Love is supernatural.

LI've started watching this show on Hulu, LXD The Legion of Extraordinary Dancers. The episodes are under 10 minutes long. Most of that time they act through dance. There is a narrator at the beginning of each episode and he seems very knowing and... stoic? The episodes where they break dance are awesome.

Things are good. Just working and hanging out. I'm very ready to go to cancun.

I'm not doing anything today anyways

I've accomplished nothing. I'm sure there's something I should be doing, but it's not happening...so what the hell...maybe I'll just write something on here.

Last weekend was great. Went out on Friday with some friends...good times.

Woke up early on Saturday and drove on down to Fredericksburg to meet up with the family for Tasha's birthday. Had lunch at the Fredericksburg Pizza Kitchen. That was a damn good pizza. I was starved after the previous night. After that we went to Woodrose Winery. I wasn't really a fan of any of the wines I tried but had a glass of Tempranillo that was good. Then it was off to some wildflower center place? I don't know, let's call it nursery on crack. It was pretty damn big, but I found all I needed in a cooler (Lone Star Light) and a table in the shade. After killing some time there we made our way into Hye for a tour at the Garrison Brothers Distillery...they make bourbon. I was in awe. I also learned a ton about bourbon. We got to taste the white stuff before it's aged in barrels (135 proof). It actually tasted pretty damn good but, yep, you guessed it, burned like hell. We all ended up buying bottles at the liquor store down the road (the distillery can't sell it, it's prohibited)...one day I'll crack that one open. It was about dinner time so we made a quick trip back into Fredericksburg and I got checked in at the Motel 6 (I live large like that). Then it was off to Alamo Springs Cafe for some damn good burgers...wow. I don't know what that thing weighed but it was damn good. I'd highly recommend it, and if you go for dinner you can walk down and view the bats in the evening. Also they have self serve drinks...want a beer, just go grab one. want some wine, just grab a bottle or pour a glass...After all that we headed over to where Philip and Tasha were staying behind Auslander's and had some drinks till well past the time they stopped playing music for us.

On Sunday we met up for lunch. Don't remember the name of the place, but it was good. damn, i ate way too many burgers lol. Then I had to cut out. I drove out to Georgetown (and got to sit on 281 while they dealt with a rollover) to pick up Brandon and we went to the Frank Erwin Center to see WWE Smackdown. Our seats ended up being right by the entrance aisle and it was a great time. The main thing I would say about going to see wrestling. If you've got small children, buy a seat off the floor so your 4 year old can see. Otherwise you will look like an ass trying to scream at hundreds of people in front of you standing up trying to get them to sit down. It's wrestling, not the opera. If it would have been televised, someone with a sign would have been standing up with it in the air the whole time. Anyways, Brandon and I had a blast and he got to give a bunch of wrestlers five and yell "you suck" at a bunch of them up close and personal. Dusty Rhodes was there all Longhorned out...that dude's a cool cat. I don't know how many late nights I spent awake watching that dude cut his forehead open gushing blood just for my viewing pleasure. And he brought some kid who won a dance off back stage..lucky kid.

Anyways, since then (and finally getting home 10pm on Sunday), it's been back to the grind. Made my way out to Round Rock for a few drinks with some friends at Quinn's. It was a good time. I suppose I should actually try to do some work now, though I don't want to at all. I really could use the afternoon off...I found out yesterday that basically all the work I did Friday broke something so I feel a bit defeated by this mess of an application I support. I'd rather be in Cancun...I seriously need to book that trip.

A story about Dick & Jane

For the past year Dick spent much of it lost and confused. No matter what he was doing, he was somewhere else...heart, mind & soul. For months he let regret tear at him piece by piece as he watched his own sanity get stripped from him. The world was continuing to spin, but he kept running backwards trying to get back to a place he knew and was comfortable. In that place he could find peace and love and understanding. But Jane had other thoughts in mind, and no matter what she said or did Dick still believed. He believed that he could be enough. Several months passed, Dick becoming ever more despondent, Jane becoming ever more defiant. It eventually came to pass that Dick could no longer stand it. He stopped calling or trying to be there. Jane was moving on and he knew he must carry on and move with the earth because gravity was gonna keep him on it no matter what he did. The communication became infrequent and the feeling in it felt hollow.

One night, as Dick sat awake, his phone rang. It was Jane. It took strength for him to even pick it up. As the conversation started, it became more and more apparent to Dick that all he had done was for the best. As it went on, he listened to one of the only people he felt he knew tell him about her new found experiments with drugs. Stories of ecstasy and cocaine and depression and fear that made his heart just cringe. To hear Jane tell him how she wanted so badly to be with the person she was with, but she didn't know how to have that without drugs. In response, Dick yelled over the phone in an angry tirade. And then, he did the only thing he could, he told her what she'd have to do to make it better and still have what she wanted. To this day, Dick doesn't wanna know what happened as that world kept turning. He'll stop and think about from time to time. Or maybe he'll stop & think about glimpses of better times that seem to slip right from his grasp. 

Boycott cocaine